Is it so bad to want happiness? Enough money to live and have some fun on? That the anxiety in my world would disappear? I pray and pray and there is no resolve yet. When does it end? When will I find the happiness and joy that my husband and I want so badly? I find a moment like that, but only for a moment. It comes when my husband and I can find some time to be intimate with each other, then it flees when it is over.
I read my bible daily and do my devotions. I try to pick ones on finding joy and something to uplift me; however, it still eludes me. We have mended relationships with some family and grown distant from others. We are trying to make a positive step forward, but something keeps holding us back. I cannot go back and fix my past mistakes to make things better now. I try to keep pushing forward and prove that I am not my past mistakes.
I want so much to be happy and not have this cloud of depression hanging over my head. I want to feel something better. I hate to be judged and not have them even try to get to know me. I want tomorrow and for it to be better than today. I want to be strong but am dying on the inside. I’m tired of rejection and feeling bad about my past. Is there an end in sight?
There are so many things I want to do and dreams that I have. It is all just a fantasy. It is a whisper of a dream. I don’t know how to make it reality. I don’t want to give up, but I don’t want to hurt anymore either. The emotional pain becomes a physical pain and there is no release. So much more I want to write, but just can’t get it all down. I don’t want to complain, I want to be cheerful and find the joy God has set for me. I have had enough storms to last a long time. I could really use a break.