The Journey

So ready to throw in the towel

I am tired of all the obstacles in my way. People tell you to not dwell on the past, but the past is exactly why I am in this mess today. My past choices have led me to this moment and for what? Why?  I pray and read my bible everyday and still no relief. I am trying to be patient and wait on God. Well, that’s a lot easier said than done. 

I hate that my husband feels obligated to make me feel good. I know that I have people who love me and cares about me. It does not stop the pain on the inside. I know that I need to be back on my meds, but that is next to impossible right now. No help, no way to make it work and no way out. Every little thing frustrates me right now. I’m on the edge.

When will I get the chance to make everything all right? When can I fix my past mistakes or just have someone give me the chance to show them I’m not my past?  Surrounded by negativity and pressure. How long must the pressure build? Well it is about to implode.  I hang on for one more day hoping that it will get better and God will show the way. No doors have opened and all the rest have been shut. Standing in the hallway with all doors closed. There is no other way but through one of those doors and they are all locked. I want to just curl up in a ball and disappear.

I read to escape, I try to garden, my store stuff is on hold and I am stuck. Like quicksand slowly pulling me under even though I am not struggling. I am not perfect by any means.  I am human and have my flaws. I want things to work out, really I do, but I just don’t know how much longer I can hold onto the rope. It burns, hurts and my arms are tired.  Well, we shall see what tomorrow, yet, brings. I’m trying to stay strong.


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