The Journey

Drowning in Depression 

Ever feel like you are in water that just covers your head and don’t know how to tread water? That is how it feels for me when I’m in a depressive state. And then someone asks me if I’m okay. I open my mouth to scream and it just fills with water. I want to say “does it look like I am okay?” But silence is my only answer. A head nod or I just look the other way. I wish I could just say what is going through my head.  If I could just give my thoughts a voice they would go away.  No such luck.

My life is not okay right now. Moving is such a pain. There are other factors involved which weigh me down as well. I am taking everything in stride but I still have some really bad days. I think instead of walking slowly down to the deep end, enough to where my head would stay above water, I just jumped straight into the deep end and don’t know how to stay afloat. I just want someone to reach down and pull me out. Why isn’t it that easy?  The more days I stay depressed the more I just want to give in and just sink to the bottom.  In reality, I am a fairly good swimmer, but really can’t tread water. 

It is a beautiful day, the sun is out and I have my health (so to speak). It is hot and humid. I would love to jump in a pool to cool down.  Just the thought of water scares me right now because of the way I feel. I don’t trust myself.  Instead I pull out my bible and find verses to remind me that I am not alone and there is hope. I am afraid if I find my voice it will be filled with anger and hate.  That is not the kind of Christian I want to be.  

Slowly, I swim to the edge and pull myself up.  I catch my breath and find another way to find my voice.  Hopefully, this time, when I open my mouth it will not be filled with water. I will find simple words and clear my thoughts.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I can only hope.

Please feel free to comment. Stay strong;


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