Ever feel like you are in water that just covers your head and don’t know how to tread water? That is how it feels for me when I’m in a depressive state. And then someone asks me if I’m okay. I open my mouth to scream and it just fills with water. I want to say “does it look like I am okay?” But silence is my only answer. A head nod or I just look the other way. I wish I could just say what is going through my head. If I could just give my thoughts a voice they would go away. No such luck.
My life is not okay right now. Moving is such a pain. There are other factors involved which weigh me down as well. I am taking everything in stride but I still have some really bad days. I think instead of walking slowly down to the deep end, enough to where my head would stay above water, I just jumped straight into the deep end and don’t know how to stay afloat. I just want someone to reach down and pull me out. Why isn’t it that easy? The more days I stay depressed the more I just want to give in and just sink to the bottom. In reality, I am a fairly good swimmer, but really can’t tread water.
It is a beautiful day, the sun is out and I have my health (so to speak). It is hot and humid. I would love to jump in a pool to cool down. Just the thought of water scares me right now because of the way I feel. I don’t trust myself. Instead I pull out my bible and find verses to remind me that I am not alone and there is hope. I am afraid if I find my voice it will be filled with anger and hate. That is not the kind of Christian I want to be.
Slowly, I swim to the edge and pull myself up. I catch my breath and find another way to find my voice. Hopefully, this time, when I open my mouth it will not be filled with water. I will find simple words and clear my thoughts. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I can only hope.
Please feel free to comment. Stay strong;