The Journey

I Had Dreams

I know it has been awhile since writing anything.  Trying to get things ready for moving is time consuming. 

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I had dreams. Being bipolar, having depression and anxiety robbed me of those dreams.  It is so hard living day to day, let alone having a dream.  Sure, I had dreams of doing something with my life, but somewhere along the way they stopped. My family and I moved my my childhood hometown to Phoenix.  I quit college for photography, which was my dream at that time.  Then I found a job and worked and worked.  I wanted to try to make a better life for my family.  In doing that I lost my dreams.  We ended up moving more and more.  The guilt that I was screwing up my kids soon took over my thoughts and dreams.  During that time I was finally got diagnosed with Bipolar II.  I was put on medications and started to feel regular.  Like everyone else.  I went through the motions of life.  Good things happened along with the bad. 

When you are depressed or have anxiety, it is so hard to focus on one thing.  It seems like you only focus on the bad or the past.  You beat yourself up for what you cannot change.  It’s being stuck in a whirlpool that is sucking you down.  Praying that someone will throw you a rope or a line to pull you out.  Sometimes it is riding it to the bottom so you have nowhere to go but up.  Doubts. Insecurities. You have to break through.  Cry out to God, then listen.  Find positive verses and read them everyday and then reread them.  God has never let me down.  He has left me to suffer and be very low so I had nowhere to turn but to Him.

The move to Colorado was the worst move, for me.  In that time we ended up with financial difficulties (which we are still recovering from), I ended up in a psychiatric hospital and left my job after 9 1/2 years.  I stayed in a fog for about a 2 years.  Lost dreams, lost hope.  My daughter lied and made some bad choices, which I blamed myself for.  It was pretty much the darkest of hours for me.  I, even, stopped dreaming at night.  Fixed my medication, started dreaming at nigh but still felt like something was missing.  I started making things with my hands and started researching aromatherapy more.  I thought, this is it. This is what i want to do.  My mind started opening up again and it was like someone turned on the flood gates.  I had a dream again.  I am starting my own business and dreaming again.  I am not going to let being bipolar rob me of anything again.  I am determined to make a difference, spread awareness and keep moving on.

Please feel free to comment.  Check out my Facebook page at The Bipolar Momster. Fight for your dreams!

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