For those who do not suffer from bipolar or depression or some type of mental illness does not understand the desire and will to not go on with life. The want to end the pain and suffering. The want to just end it all. When it sets in, it is very red (anger) and black (depression). I know that tomorrow is a new day. That is the thread that keeps moving forward.
It’s like all the friends I’ve hurt and all my past mistakes are all rearing their ugly heads. Wanting to be back in a place or time that you were happier (so you think) but not being able to go back there. It’s in the past. You live for today and, hopefully, hope there is a tomorrow. It’s not having motivation to do any of those things you love doing. Sitting around in your pajamas all day, and possibly the next day or more. Not caring for yourself.
It’s not caring if it is sunny or gray, or looking at something beautiful and missing its beauty. You see darkness all around you. Everything is muted colors or just gray and black. Someone has pulled the shade down around yourveyes and you don’t care if it is lifted. Yet you are screaming on the inside for someone or something to save you. You desperately want a way out. Even if that way is not the right option. Then the anger builds and you want to hurt something or someone ubtil they feel like you do. You don’t want to be alone, but isolation feels good.
You know there are people you can call, but don’t want to trouble them or hear some cheesy “you will get through this” line. They don’t understand because they’ve never been to the place you’re at. You don’t want to burden them with your problems or sad sob stories. You can’t even put into words how or what you are feeling, so you just want to scream. Screaming puts all of your feelings into verbalizing how you feel. Not a word, but a scream or cry. Maybe, you just want to sleep and sleep some more. You just hope that one time you will wake up and have some feeling of normalcy.
Then you have those that don’t respect your boundaries or illness and say something that sends you spiraling further down. No matter how hard you try to educate them on your illness, they don’t respect it. Life is hard enough, you don’t need the added pressure. In these dark times you just want someone to hold you, tell you it will all be okay and this too shall pass. It really will, sometimes it hangs its ugly head a little longer than we would like. Ending it all is not the answer, no matter how dark it gets. You are important and are special. You need to know that.
Please feel free to comment. You are not alone and there is someone who understands. You can continue the journey with me on my Facebook page.