I don’t know what I am doing here. Do any of us know what we are doing here? We try to just make it through another day. Depression is not the same as sadness and sadness is not depression. Sure, sadness can lead to depression. I have hurt past friends on my journey. I can’t undo what I have done.
The darkness surrounds me. Nothing anyone can say or do to make it go away. I feel useless and unimportant. I don’t want pity or sympathy. I just want the pain of it all to end. I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. There is only 2 people I can talk to and that is my husband and God. I’m drowning in a sea of hurt.
My kids are growing up and need me less and less. That is a good thing. They are supposed to grow up to be independent adults. I feel I didn’t do enough to help them along the way. I think every parent has doubts that they either didn’t do enough or did too much. I know they will turn out fine, for that is my hope.
I have dreams, they are just eluding me for the time being. It is just a phase or “funk” that I am going through. It is hard to see the light for all the darkness. I know that God is there and He is the light, but He is silent right now.
Many changes lay ahead in the near future and it scares me. What if I fail? What if I succeed?