I have always liked this poem, but it wasn’t until living with severe depression did I fully understand it. I don’t know who to give credit to for this photo and hope I’m not breaking any rules. It is so beautiful and fit with what I am writing about. I don’t normally do two posts in one day but I felt led to publish this tonight.
Who is the one in control? Yourself? Yes and no. Right now God is in control for me. I have prayed so many times for answers. He is the one guiding my steps. Sure, I am the one who needs to take the first step in the right direction. What if it is the wrong direction, you ask? He will help you find the right one. It definitely takes a leap of faith, no doubt about that. How many times have you cried out to someone or something? You may not be a believer in Jesus, but you know that there is a higher power. Yes there is and it is God. I surrendered my heart to the Lord and he has done miracles in my life. Sure, there have been times when I have doubted or He has been silent. But aren’t the teachers always silent during the test? Isn’t always darkest before the dawn? It isn’t it silent before the storm comes?
I had (and still have) no idea what I am doing blogging or writing. I don’t have a clue as to what I am doing. Sure, I do my research on it, trying to figure out the do’s and don’ts. It is a work in progress, kind of like me. I am rough around the edges and it will take time to smooth it out. I read my bible looking for answers and it always tells me to “fear not.” Well, I still have fears. Truthfully, I have had a rough past couple of days. Not knowing where to come up with money to move, how it is all going to play out, worrying about moving my kids yet again and not knowing what to do. All I wanted to do was cry and then cry some more. I was so sad it felt like a heavy weight upon my chest. Then tonight I read Isaiah 58:9 “Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am”. It was just what I needed.
I was praying for others and felt my burdens and misgivings go away. A weight had been lifted. I was taking a shower and it came to me as if the Lord said “go and write, that’s what I want you to do.” So here I am writing and praying that the one who needs this will read it. We cannot always been in control. I know that scares some of you. It scares me too, but if you give it over to the one who is always in control, it is an easier load to carry. Sure, I falter and doubt. I am by no means perfect, but I will never give up as long as God leaves me here on this Earth. I know there will be days that I want to give up and leave this world, leave my loved ones behind. I will cry out to God again and again to pull me from this dark, deep hole of despair. I did the very same thing earlier today. Depression, anxiety and being bipolar is all a part of who I am. Maybe I write this so I can read it later on and no that I am not worthless. It is a very real struggle. Some days are better than others and some, not so much. Even in my darkest of hours God is guiding my steps to make me a better me.
I hope this gives you hope. If you want to have that faith and trust in Jesus like I do, please email me and we can talk. I look forward to hearing from you. Comments welcomed. Stay strong.