The Journey

I Am My Own Worst Judge

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Many years ago I became a born again Christian. I struggle daily in following what the Lord wants me to do. I have not figured out, yet, what that is. I did figure out one thing it is not my place to judge others. I may not agree with their choices, but I don’t judge them for it.  What I do judge is myself, sometimes rather harshly. I constantly judge the things I do or say. Is it enough? Is it not enough? Too much? Too little? How do I make it stop? I know that I shouldn’t, but it is a hard habit to break. When my depression sets in, that is when I judge myself the harshest.

Am I a Good Mother?
I often struggle with this one. None of us are perfect. We do the best with what we are given.  Many times I have been complimented on my kids behaivour and manners when they were younger. I must have done something right. Sometimes they made the honor roll, most times not. They did the best they could and sometimes they could have done a little more. I’ve always encouraged they chase their dreams no matter what they are. I have to remind myself that I did the best I could at the time and I cannot change the past, but tomorrow I will be pushing forward.

Will I Ever Succeed?
I guess this depends on how you view success. I have a lot to be grateful for and have been successful. Though when I am down these things are not prevalent. I tend only view my failures.  And can I ever make a mountain out of a molehill. My husband usually steps in when I start thinking this way and reminds me of my successes. They are really hard to see in that moment. I, also, pray a lot and God usually comes through with a reminder. Sometimes He is silent and I figure it out on my own, even if it is something small.  You must take time to appreciate the small things, because those matter the most.

I Am Unlovable
This is a real struggle. I am surrounded by people who love me, but it is me that needs to love myself for who I am. When all you see is darkness, it is hard to love yourself in those times.  Cry it out, release the stress and then take a long hot bath with some aromatherapy bath salts.  It’s okay, you will be okay.  It is the best treat I can give to myself to remind myself that I love me for me. Pamper yourself and see how you feel during and after. A little lighter and the light starts to come on from the inside. Start small. As I said before, it’s the small things that matter the most. Then you can start to conquer bigger things. I struggle with weight and have a plan to start working out (more to come on that) so I can even feel better about myself. I must remember baby steps first. I do love myself, but sometimes I need a reminder. God tells me he loves me and that helps me a lot. 
But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Ephesians 2:4 KJV

Whatever the case may be, I need to lighten up on myself and not judge myself so harshly.  I will remind myself of my accomplishments and successes. I will pull out my aromatherapy bath salts, soak in a hot bath and put in some relaxing music. I will hug my kids a little tighter. Take some deep breaths and push forward to tomorrow. I am loved by God, my family and friends and that is enough.

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